I’ve talked about this a little bit before, but just recently, I’ve seen more people saying –

My child has no self-motivation. I’d like to Home Educate him/her but I think it would be a constant battle to get them to do things…

I read this, and I feel sad. I feel sorry for those kids whose parents (I believe) have grabbed really hard onto the wrong end of the stick and just won’t let go, and sad for the parents who are missing out on a better relationship with their kids.

AN EXERCISE THAT MIGHT CHANGE EVERYTHING…

If you’ve ever said this about your child, I’d like you to do a couple of things. A) think about what exactly they have no self-motivation to do (seriously – go and write a list), and B) come back with your list and read the rest of this post.

The Real Problem (spoiler alert: it’s not your kids, it’s you)

Now, let’s take a look at those things you came up with. Does it include things like showering, getting ready for school, doing homework, helping around the house, walking the dog, getting up in the morning, and piano practice? I bet you a fiver it does. Why not go and write another list of the things your child DOES seem to have self-motivation for. I’ll wait here…

Done? Ok, what’s on this list? Playing on the PC/XBOX/Playstation? Going out with friends? Eating a lot? Staying up waaaaay too late? Too much YouTube? What about recording videos for their own YouTube channel, listening to their music, and talking with their friends? I’m guessing they have motivation for those things, right?

I’m betting my bottom dollar that the difference between the activities on those two lists is that one is full of things you’d like your child to do, and the other is full of things your child would like to do. So in reality, they are perfectly capable of motivating themselves to do things when they want to do them. Phew! That’s a relief! For a minute there, it was almost like you thought there was something wrong with them. But they’re entirely normal. Just growing up and figuring out what matters to them and what doesn’t.

But I’m the Adult! (Why You’re Still Wrong)

But what about me, you say. What about the things that matter to me? I’m the adult! I know what’s important and what isn’t! This is where it gets tough for parents. You probably won’t like this. But I think you’re wrong. Yes, you know that sticking with things can be important. But sometimes, knowing when to quit is important too. You know that personal hygiene matters, but the world isn’t going to end because of a few teenagers with greasy hair. And washing the dishes? It can wait.

Your kids are apprentice adults. And just like apprentice mechanics, apprentice adults need to actually do the job to be able to learn. They need to get a feel for when things are right, and when they’re not. They need to be trusted to try things for themselves. You can be there for when things go wrong – bolts shear off and things don’t go according to plan. But your role is more one of support, advice, and encouragement than one of dictating their every move. Yes they might graze their knuckles every now and then, but they’ll get the valuable experience they need and will emerge as capable and confident young people with goals and plans of their own.

An Inch, a Mile, and a Smile

I’d like to propose that if you are going to insist your child does things they don’t want to do because it matters to you, you can’t logically expect them to do those things. If you put your wants before their preferences, they will take the exact same stance back. They’ll put their wants before your preferences. I really believe that the only way forward here is to give them an inch. Then give them a mile, and smile while you’re doing it. This is the most likely way that they’ll feel they have enough space to choose to give something back. And they will give back eventually, because kids are actually pretty cool people, in my experience.

Boundaries Without Battles

At this point you’re probably shouting at me and calling me all kinds of names. ‘Liberal, home-educating, hippy with disrespectful kids’ might be one of them. But bear with me. Let’s get things clear. I don’t think we have to let our kids lounge around, stinking the house out, throwing sweet wrappers on the floor, and turning the TV up every time we try talking to them. Far from it. I think it’s perfectly ok to have limits and boundaries. I would just say these work best if they’re based on principles not rules, and if they apply to everyone equally. 

What This Actually Looks Like

For example – if you really are shattered and can’t face making a meal, ask for help and explain why. If they are too tired themselves or they’re busy doing something else, order a takeaway, and if you can’t afford it, get out the bowls and weetabix. There are always choices. If they won’t practice piano, and you’ve spent all that money on lessons, ask yourself why you are bothered. Does it really make sense to keep paying for something they don’t want to do, and carry on fueling all that resentment? Why not spend the money on something that would make everyone happy instead? If they won’t get ready for an activity on time, explain that you aren’t prepared to be late again on their behalf, and that you’ll be leaving on time in future. If they still don’t get up in time, leave without them or don’t go. 

Things That Really Matter

Okay, I can hear you at the back there shouting, ‘But what about brushing their teeth, you crazy woman?!’ And I agree, this is something that really needs to be done. So my take on this is that there are a few things ( and I do mean a few) that you will ask your kids to do, and your kids will understand that it must be important, because you only ask them to do things when it really matters. And then think about how you ask, because that can go a long way towards a good outcome. 

The Bottom Line

What I’m basically trying to say is that we all need to be able to choose to be able to choose if that makes sense. It’s not fair to demand a set path of action, and then complain that choices aren’t made. We all need the space and freedom to find our motivation and make choices based on that. It’s what makes us all different, and how we learn about how we relate to others, and where our boundaries lie. It’s what enables our kids to grow up and be self-motivated. It’s just another skill that takes practice, and while our young people are practising, we get to work on our own patience, our generosity and our boundaries. 

This rant was brought to you by Jo, who thinks kids generally don’t get the respect they deserve.